8 Signs You Might Need Couples Therapy
1. You keep having the same fight…. over and over again
If the same fight comes up repeatedly, it may be time to get professional help. A professional can help you discover what is underneath of the fight and work toward resolving the underlying issue. There are often complicated emotions lurking underneath, or inadvertent misunderstandings and miscommunications.
2. Conflicts do not get resolved (instead they get swept under the rug or ignored)
If you and your partner are unable to effectively debrief and heal from a fight, this could contribute to an ever increasing disconnect in the relationship. It is vital to create healing moments in the aftermath of a conflict. This could include taking time to truly understand each other’s perspectives, apologize for emotional pain inflicted, discuss the conflict in a more calm and flexible manner, and problem-solve on how to avoid similar issues in the future.
When couples just pretend like conflicts did not happen and “keep moving,” the same issues are more likely to resurface. You might also notice you become escalated MUCH more quickly when the next fight arises.
3. You feel a lack of trust or safety with your partner
If you feel unable to be vulnerable with your partner (emotionally or physically) this might be a sign that you need some support in recreating safety. A professional can help you understand when and how trust has been undermined and guide you in restoring it.
4. You consistently feel misunderstood or unheard
If you constantly feel like you are not being seen or heard, this will be damaging to your mental health and the strength of your relationship. This could be a sign that you and your partner need to revisit some basic communication skills or explore the emotional blocks getting in the way of being present with each other’s experience.
5. Conflicts escalate into extremely long, explosive, or painful fights
Conflict is bound to happen- but it is important to know how to stop it before it becomes highly escalated. We are less able to think flexibly and logically when our emotional brain is highly active. This makes it difficult to see our partner’s perspective or take ownership of our own part in the fight. If emotions are feeling overwhelming or out of control frequently, it might be time to put some safety supports in place.
6. You primarily feel negative feelings like resentment, anger, or irritation toward your partner
If the negative feelings and interactions in the relationship outweigh the positive, it is time to reset the homeostasis of the relationship. This is often a breeding ground for resentment and contempt, which relationship experts John and Julie Gottman say is the biggest predictor of divorce. Relationships are systems that often thrive on the status quo, so intervention might be needed to change the current state of affairs. The Gottman Institute says that a healthy relationship needs 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction. If this equation is off for you, there is hope to change it!
7. You are feeling hopeless about your relationship
If you find yourself being unable to imagine a more fulfilling or connected relationship, this could be a sign that you and your partner’s own efforts need to be augmented by someone with professional training. Hopelessness can keep us stuck in a negative headspace and unable to think creatively to change unhelpful or unhealthy dynamics. Let someone else come in with hope and a fresh perspective to see if the relationship is able to be salvaged.
8. There is no more intimacy in your relationship
Feeling disconnected sexually can be a sign of many things- lack of communication about sexual preferences, trauma or lack of safety in the relationship, or other underlying emotional issues that need to be addressed. Often one partner feels more of a need for sex and physical closeness- this need should not be ignored, even if partners differ in their inclination toward this love language.
A final word…
It is also strongly advised to go to couples therapy if you just want to improve the strength and health of your relationship. Many couples wait until it is the “last resort,” for their relationship. Issues are always better dealt with sooner rather than later. Seeing couples therapy as a last-ditch effort can also put unneeded stress and pressure on the process…. not to mention, it can increase levels of hopelessness if it does not seem to work right away. Give yourself (and the process) time and space to work.
Ready to get back to a healthy place?
If you want to give couples therapy a try, reach out for a free phone consultation today!
